Arleth
Lesbian/queer/pansexual Latinx female (23)
Dear Future Me,
I am writing this letter to you while I am sitting in my bed watching the sun come in from my window. The smell of garlic, onion and Mexican rice is lingering in the air. Reminding me of summers in my childhood home with my mom cooking in the kitchen listening to Ana Gabriel on the radio, while I am reading a book in the living room and my brother is watching Toy Story. My tummy turns at the memory. Leaving me feeling heartsick, my chest feeling heavy, and with no appetite. I feel like I am mourning.
I have nothing to mourn though. It’s spring. I have a job, a roof over my head, and Mexican rice that I made to eat. But my heart continues to ache.
I am old enough to understand that my parents' definition of care does not work for me. So while I do have those things, my heart is missing and longing for a few things:
I am missing feeling loved and accepted by my parents.
I am missing feeling strong, independent, and powerful.
I am missing feeling enough for myself and others.
I am missing being the kid in that living room.
So I guess I am mourning. I am mourning for love, acceptance, care, and the days when my heart felt light.
My heart has been heavy for a while now. I have been fighting multiple battles without a break.
I am fighting for the love and acceptance of my parents. Even while they are fighting against me. Simply because they don’t approve of my queer identity. They don’t approve of my relationship with the girl I am in love with. And they are not putting any effort to understand me or rekindle our relationship.
I am fighting to care for and protect myself while fighting against daily microaggressions, racism, and homophobia. Feeling powerful enough to stand up for the people I care about but not enough to stand up for myself.
Every day I am fighting for myself.
I still continue to fight. I am in therapy, reading powerful books for inspiration and knowledge, and maintaining healthy relationships with my partner, friends, and a few family members.
But it is not getting easier. I feel like I live in a world that was not meant for me.
While I am proud to be a queer, undocumented, first-generation college grad brown woman, I struggle with fighting different systems every day.
And I am so so tired of fighting.
I just want to live.
I want to feel understood and loved by my parents again. I want them to love me for who I am. I want them to love and welcome my partner too. I want them to make an effort to understand me.
I want to feel powerful and confident that I can stand up for myself and call someone out respectfully if I have to. I want others to be aware of my identities and respect me because of them.
I want to love and be loved. I want to live as easy as I breathe.
I want the smell of garlic, onion, and Mexican rice that lingers in the air to not sadden me anymore. I want it to make me smile. I want to be able to hold onto the memories of my childhood and look forward to what is to come.
I hope that future me is happy. I hope she finds peace and love wherever she might be. I hope her heart is light.